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My birthday is tomorrow, and I usually look through my old, unpublished writing around my birthdays. I don’t know why, something to do with looking backward to evaluate and planning for the future. During my browsing, I found an OLD essay I wrote while pregnant about some very strong feelings I was having. The essay below was a way I used to try to sort out my feelings on paper, and boy, am I glad I did!
I didn’t even remember it, but this essay was the #1 reason I started Home Ever After, which is now in the Alexa top 1.58 % of all websites. In the WORLD. Do I say this because I’m bragging, or because I think I’m so great? NO! I’m telling you this because if I can do it, SO CAN YOU!
I wanted to parent my children, be a good wife, be a happy homemaker, be at home, have a fulfilling career and help other people. In short – I wanted it ALL… If one little wife and mother could feel lost in the world, start from scratch with nothing, and make such a complete turnaround, there is no reason on earth that you can’t accomplish anything you want tomorrow.
Looking For a Real Job: A Professional Homemaker’s Essay From the Past
“A long day of jury duty (which happened to fall on the same day as my first day of work at a new job) has come to a close. I made it to the new job for the remaining 2 hours of the workday, only to revel in my wonderful new work surroundings: a poorly heated warehouse with a little room at the back called the “office”, a 10-year-old computer that hadn’t been updated in eons and had been out of virus protection since who knows when, and a bathroom with a brown toilet (the inside, not the outside) that reeked of cigarette smoke and sewage. Oh, and I’m pregnant. When I got in my car to head home, I said aloud to myself, “It’s only for 7 months.” That’s a bad sign on the first day of a job.
So now here I sit, at home, contemplating the dinner I was supposed to take out of the freezer at 8:00 this morning (but forgot to), trying to think of a backup plan before my husband gets home.
So my thoughts right now are not focused on how terrible tomorrow (or the next 7 months) will be. No, and they’re not even focused on finding a different, better job to take this one’s place until it’s time to have the baby. Actually, my thought process is very bizarre right now… it sounds something like: All jobs are bad, working for someone else is bad, why would I want to find another job that maybe isn’t as bad but has its own drawbacks that make it a completely unappealing way of life? I want to do something significant so that I don’t have to work at a job outside the home. Why haven’t I figured out what that is by now? I no longer have a career, have no niche that I fit into in the vast workplace sea. And a scarier secret still: I don’t want one. I don’t want a career. I don’t want that at all. Working feels as foreign to me as speaking a language that I don’t even understand.
What is wrong with being a homemaker? What is wrong with being a wife and a mother? Why is there so much pressure to work when you’re pregnant and to return to work after your baby is born? Why is there this unspoken culture of guilt that says you’re not a feminist or a liberated woman if you actually WANT to stay at home?
Of course I know this suggestion is out of the question. We’re a 2-income house with 2-income debts and a baby on the way. Me not working is not an option. So how can I make my self-worth and self-efficacy stand up through daily activities that make me feel demeaned, worthless, and completely uncomfortable? If it’s right for so many other people, there must just be something wrong with me, right? I cannot reconcile the difference between society’s expectations and the rotten, sinking feeling that I am living someone else’s life and will never fit in. And I don’t know how to fix it.”
– OLD, old essay written by Danelle Ice
It’s hard for me to even read that essay now, because I obviously found the answer! I did NOT get another job! I did not go back to my old career. I focused on my family, I started my own companies, and Home Ever After would never have been started if not for this process. But what pain I was feeling! I was in despair. I wish now that I had had someone to tell me then what I am telling you now.
I really thought that what I wanted deep down – to be a mother and a professional homemaker- was not good enough, not right, or not possible. It took me being brutally honest with myself, and making tough decisions, to move past my feeling of helplessness and decide what was best for my family.
I suppose the moral of the story (at least the moral I’ve taken away from it) is this: Do not let other people make decisions for you. You’ve got to decide what is right for you, based on how you feel, based on what you and your spouse want out of life.
I am now one of the most influential women on Twitter, with one of the most successful websites in the entire world. All because I decided not to do what the magazines said, what friends said, what parenting book authors said. I did what my husband and I felt was right for us – to put our families first, to create an empire that could help people improve their lives along with us. I’m not bragging and I’m not telling you this because I want you to think I’m wonderful! I’m telling you this because I am building this empire for every other woman out there who was feeling just like me. And I want to help you in any way I can. Are you willing to act on your beliefs – whether they’re to stay home or go to work or become a painter or live your dream? Are you willing to believe that what you really want is good enough? Because it is.
For more Works for Me Wednesday, visit We are That Family.
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Wow That is amazing. Since I’m a fairly new blogger, I am just starting to get an idea of what “success” in the blogging world means. That is quite an accomplishment. Congratulations. :)
And now I went back and re-read your post….so glad that you are standing proud on the greatest profession of all time. When I fill out an application, I often put down – Family Manager. It’s so worth it.
Fantastic! Thank you so much.
After my first child was born, I did not want to leave him but financially felt that I had too (as I made more money at the time than my husband did). Still, it just broke my heart to leave my baby and one day, I couldn’t and I gave my notice (with my husband’s permission). I have never regretted it.
So many businesses have been started out of a family’s desire to have the mother at home. I did not build an empire, but I did find ways to make money and help pay bills until my husband’s job changed and he made more money. Now I help by finding ways to save money by living more frugally. I just wanted to be a fulltime mommy and that’s all.
Great post! Sometimes it is hard to step outside of the comfort zone and live up to your expectations not to the world’s expactations. Thanks for giving others the courage to follow their hearts and dreams.
Amen, sister! I felt the same way for many, many years! Great post!
What great inspiration! Thank you for sharing.
As a homemaker I’ve been thinking about doing at home business. It’s difficult to find the time, though, taking care of 4 little ones AND homeschooling. But maybe in the future. :)
I hated to go to work and drop my kids off. I did daycare so I could stay home w/them. That was a joke too. It doesn’t help that the prices of everything are beyond our means no matter how frugal we are.
But I do know that when God is involved things work out. Following His plan is what makes things work.
Good for you
I wanted to come out of hiding just to say Thank You so very much for publishing that essay. That’s exactly the place I am in at the moment.
It’s encouraging to read that essay and now that you came out the other side doing what you wanted to do and what was best for both you and your family.
So once again, thank you.
I am only just starting to “come out” and say that all I’ve ever wanted is to stay home, take care of the dogs and home, and maybe even have a child.
But if I didn’t have a child, I still don’t see what’s wrong with my wanting to be a homemaker… I excel at it… it is what I do best. I am awesome at making the home aesthetically pleasing, I love decorating, I enjoy cooking great meals, and I’m soooooo happy being home.
To me, if one person wants to stay home, and the other can work, it shouldn’t matter which gender does what. It all depends upon a person’s likes and dislikes. If, for example, person A is great at making money and loves it, then person A should do what he or she loves. If person B is great at homemaking and loves it, then person B should do what he or she loves.
Also, the physical and mental limitations on someone could really affect the decision as to whether to be a homemaker or not. Let’s say person A is someone who wishes he or she could work, but suffers from anxiety and depression or has arthris or a poor immune system, perhaps person A would love to do things at home, where Person A could easily access the appropriate resources (food, bed, excercise, comfort) to remain healthy while also being productive at home.
I have anxiety and depression (which is why I used that as an example), and I also have a very bad leg, which will require surgery. I have a Master’s degree, I became a counselor, and I’ve realized that I simply want to be a homemaker who does some side work through home (like writing, creating arts and crafts and selling them, baking, working with dogs).
There’s nothing wrong with this, although the feminist society makes us feel as though there is. :( That’s so sad. In addition, if you read personal/single ads, sometimes you’ll read Men’s ad’s that say horrific things about women in the home such as “I won’t take care of some woman who just wants to sit around and do nothing”. That’s just so hurtful to read those types of personal ads.
I’d love to stay home. I hope someday I find a nice gentleman who loves me to stay home, and be with my dogs, and make meals, and have a little side income from a small home business. That is my ideal. And I am no longer ashamed of it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You went against the status quo and it worked brilliantly! You are quite an inspiration to me and I wish you the best of luck in the future with this website. You give mothers everywhere hope that they have the skills needed to make a life for themselves…husband/family or not. Growing up as a young woman we don’t hear it enough…that we could successfully be mothers and have a career we love. Live the dream life. It’s there we just have to believe in ourselves. You help everyone do just that so thank you!
@Amber: Thank you so much for your comment and the kind words and link on Epic Self! I agree with you as the experienced women we need to pass on the knowledge to younger women that it’s okay to go for what you want. I’m so glad you came by!
Barbi
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal, Barbi. You followed your heart, made the tough choices, did what you knew was right for you, & now get to enjoy the life you created. May your story inspire everyone who reads it, male & female, to do the same.
John
Wow, what an inspiring post. It’s amazing what happens when you put your family first. Things do work out eventually. I’m sure it was rough transitioning to one income, but now you’re back to two incomes!
@Elliott – thank you! It is always hard and scary to make a change and enter the unknown… but it makes us stronger :)
Barbi
You are truly an inspiration! I so wish that I will be able to actually make a full time, even minimum wage income from my blog…it would bless our family so much. This post gives me hope!
BTW, I won a prize from you on the Ultimate Blog Party! Please email me and let me know what info you need from me. Thanks!
ramblingsofatxhousewife(at)gmail(dot)com
Wow, I just found your blog, and it is wonderful! I have been a homemaker for over 20 years, and even managed to stay home after my divorce 10 years ago ( sold the house, rented, and kept selling off excess possessions, plus child support). Now I must find a job, since the child support will be ending….I have started my own blog ( not as fun and interesting as yours, that is for sure!)….it is http://jobseekingmom.blogspot.com/. Thank for speaking out for all mothers at home!
@Catherine: Your story is amazing, especially through a divorce. Good luck with the job hunt and with your new blog! Thank you so much for sharing your experience; we can all learn so much from each other. :)
Barbi
Wow… that is an amazing story. I was the opposite, I had no desire to stay at home when I was pregnant- then I had my baby. Suddenly, my whole view changed. 2 years and yet another baby later, I (almost!) never look back. As new to the blogging and web world- I am so inspired. Thanks!
Did you hear of anyone that has actually found legit home jobs?
I have twins that are in school now and their school hours aren’t
long at all and they would be in this school for the next 8 yrs.
The temp agencies are not having any luck in finding me anything.
With them in school, I have too much to do with them to keep up their reading, writing and math levels.
Thanks for your help, by the way I love your website, it helps me so much; getting organized and cleaning.
I forgot to submit my email address
The one and only regret I have in life is not being able to stay home and raise my son. My dream is still to become a homemaker. Working in an office just plain sucks. I’ve worked for just over 21 years straight with no more than 2 weeks vacation a year. It sucks the life and creativity out of a woman. It sucks to have to go through periods, cramps and hormonal ups and downs and work outside the home. It sucks that you can’t take care of your husband or child like a wife should because your too @!# tired. I’d like to ring every one of those feminist chicken necks because they have made it so that now most of us have to work in tiny cubicles without windows or light or fresh air. I am planning on on quitting in a few months and Lord willing I will be the homemaker I’ve dreamed about and will be able to pamper my husband like he deserves. My mother has been a homemaker her entire life and she loves her freedom. She was able to raise 5 kids thanks to my wonderful father who always supported her even with a humble salary.
@Terri: I will pray that the Lord will reveal his big plans for you, because I can hear that you have been patiently waiting for quite some time! Pray and wait on the Lord and he will show you the path as long as you always put him first. May God be with you!
Danelle
@Jen: Thank you so much! I was shaking when I wrote that article, because I feel so passionately about it. Homemaking isn’t for everyone, and that’s fine, but those of us who choose it have the right to feel proud! Thank you so much for your comments. Family Manager is where it’s at :)
Barbi
@momstheword: That is fantastic! Good for you, for doing what you felt was right! That initial decision of me leaving the workplace to stay home was what started me into frugal living. What a great choice! Congratulations to you – and you shouldn’t say “that’s all”… that’s A LOT!
Barbi
@momstheword: And by the way, your family is your empire! Build it gladly and happily – you rock!
Barbi
@Jenny Beth: Thank you!I agree 100%. I am so glad you liked the article- and I hope it helps other people to feel more trusting of their instincts as well! Thanks so much for leaving a comment.
Barbi
@Liz: Thank you! I think part of the role of an older (or experienced) homemaker is to help the younger women to find their way, and I hope so much that women like you and I offer a guiding light of help when people are looking for a way.
Barbi
@Avril: Thank you for coming out of hiding! You are welcome, and as uneasy as I was about publishing something so very personal, I’m very glad I did. You are the reason why! If I only reached one person with this blog, and reminded them that it’s okay to live your life and own your decisions, it would all be worth it.
Congratulations to you for taking the step forward, for choosing to design your life by what you think is right! Hang in there, and if I can help with anything, feel free to ask.
Barbi
@BarbaraLee: It’s so true that there’s always a way that things just work out, you just have to have faith.
Barbi
@Alexis: Good for you for accepting your dreams! It can be hard to stand up to the peer pressure of what society thinks is acceptable and just realize that what YOU want for yourself is all that matters. Thank you for sharing those feelings with us and I hope all goes well with your surgery.
Barbi
@Melissa: I know a lot of moms have success doing medical transcription from home. I don’t know of any sites that have listing specifically for legitimate work from home jobs. Maybe some of our readers can pitch in here to help with links?
Sorry I can’t be of more help, but thank you for the compliment and good luck finding something that will fit in with your family’s schedule!
Danelle